Throughout my life, I've always found it difficult to ask for assistance. Even as a child, I would rather figure things out on my own and deal with the challenges rather than simply asking for help. If I didn't grasp a concept or missed a vital piece of information in Elementary School, I would never raise my hand for the answer. Deep inside, ego considered it an act of defeat to procure assistance by hanging my head in shameful acknowledgement of inability and need for guidance. The very act of receiving a failing grade due to my prideful stubbornness felt much more empowering and successful than the humble admittance that I may have missed a vital piece of information. Oh, and I someone DARED try to help me as a child, they would quickly be treated as an offender of my virtues.
I have a very good memory and one of my oldest recollections goes back to the diaper days. I was clenching my milk bottle and my oldest brother told me "you drink milk because you are a baby"... My toddler self then responded(possibly unintelligibly but I do remember my words), "do not call me a baby, I will never drink milk again", and hurled the bottle to the ground. I did not drink milk again until my early teens, because not holding fast to my promises would go against my nature, even if the very act was self-destructive. I'm sure other Scorpios will relate, the ones born in November mostly. I've found that October Scorps tend to be much less extreme.
This is part of the Scorpio's evolution, we are naturally prideful people, apparently from the day we are born.
The information above is a precursor to deeper perspectives I will address below.
I had reached the point where my injury seemed to be only getting worse, I began to prepare myself for the possible reality of having to make some major changes and possibly not being able to handle the physical aspect of making drums any longer. I rationalized that the only way to continue would be to ask for assistance and gain control over my intolerance for anything less than perfection. I tend to expect the same from others as I expect from myself, and this means get it right the first time and listen well the first time, because I will not repeat myself often.
A dramatic and oddly synchronistic recuperation from my back injury happened upon awakening on my birthday. I was not at 100% but somehow went from 10% to 60%; from inability to get up to walking around and not feeling any pain.
I had no choice but to ask for help from friends since I couldn't even lift a drum on my own during the first few weeks. This took a level of humility and acceptance that I had never allowed within myself. The gravity of the situation allowed for it's justification, the lesson was life-altering and transcending.
The challenge of getting the drums made was accepted and faced head-on. I was in the first stages of post injury recovery and in the midst of Physical Therapy but downtime from the injury and prior severe weather events had me dreadfully behind on Lotus Drum orders.
"I will not rest until xmas. I may not finish them all on-time, but no time will be wasted and I will push myself to physical and psychological limits. This year will end with achievement, not defeat."
The battle ensued and I worked daily from dawn till 3am and took no breaks or days off till Xmas day.
My helpers were at my side until I felt comfortable to fly on my own again.
At this point within the experience my viewpoint had shifted into a more metaphysical and spiritual place. I was running on little food and little sleep. My thoughts were within concepts of energy flow, meanings of holidays and sun/moon cycles..
The regeneration on my birthday was a sign of Hope and an acknowledgement.
The lesson; humility, admittance of weaknesses and openness to receive assistance gratefully.
The next lesson was Sacrifice.
My helpers had given me not only physical aid in tasks I could otherwise not complete, but watching everyone working together in a flowing motion and so efficiently taught me the power of working with others and the vulnerability of sole-dependence. They had given me their time, and in doing so, subliminally gave me a perspective.
At this time I thought about the deeper meanings of Sacrifices and gave each of them a gift.
One of my helpers was working on a homemade motorbike, so I gave him a set of suspension forks.
The other helper was a single mom who had recently lost her job. During the time of assistance her car stopped going beyond first gear, the transmission was clearly going to stop functioning, but she kept coming to help.
I said to myself "She has never had a reliable car in her life, so I'm going to find her the best car I can"
After searching the local ads for days, I came across a 91 Accord and visited the people. I explained the purpose and they told me that in 23 days, no one had come to look at the car and that they felt it needed to go to me. It was immaculate. Not a drop of oil leaking, everything in perfect order and they gave it to me as a gift.
Driving the Sacrifice(the car) back home I realized how great this car really was. It drove so well... It was 10 times better than my old 88 Civic. Never in my life had I ever owned a car in such great condition and from such a reliable year. This car was truly a gem and a needle in a haystack.
Temptation set in, and the Ego emerged. I began telling myself "my car is old, the roof leaks when it rains. This new car is nicer than any car I've ever owned... shouldn't I just give her mine, and keep this nicer one?"
I really wanted to keep it, I mean.. it was NICE and better than the car I'm currently driving.
Akin to finding someone who is barefoot and giving them brand new shoes while your own shoes are in shambles.
Why not just take the new shoes and give them your old ones?
I'll tell you why,
Because keeping the better ones and passing down your old ones is NOT A SACRIFICE.
Keeping the better/new and passing down the old is kind, but does not challenge your EGO.
When you give to someone else things that you feel are better than your own you come face to face with your Ego and in order to complete the giving, you are forced to shove your Ego aside and give that which you wish to keep, in full love and understanding. This is Sacrifice, and if you think about the concept of gifts during Holidays and stories of Martyrs, you may see the similarity and attempt this Ritual of release.
Back to the drums...
The lack of sleep combined with the driving-force of the mission(dozens of drums with one single due date) led to an explosion of concepts and revelations
I'm looking for a School Bus, I'll be adding a second floor and making it my home and workspace.. :D
Anyone got any leads?